YOU SAID:

The pain is stronger than ever. I’ve seen bits of lost Paradises and I know I’ll be hopelessly trying to return, even if it hurts. The deeper I swing into the regions of nothingness, the further I’m thrown back into myself, each time more and more frightening depths below me, until my very being becomes dizzy. There are brief glimpses of clear sky, like falling out of a tree, so I have some idea where I am going, but there is still too much clarity and straight order of things, I am getting always the same number somehow. So I vomit out broken bits of words and syntaxes of the countries I’ve passed through, broken limbs, slaughtered houses, geographies. My heart is poisoned, my brain left in shreds of horror and sadness. I’ve never let you down, world, but you did lousy things to me. This feeling of going nowhere, of being stuck, the feeling of Dante’s first strophe, as if afraid of the next step, next stage. As long as I don’t sum up myself, stay on the surface, I don’t have to move forwards, I don’t have to make painful and terrible decisions, choices, where to go and how. Because deeper there are terrible decisions to make, terrible steps to take. It’s at forty that we die, those who did not die at twenty. It is at forty that we betray ourselves, our bodies, our souls, by either staying on the surface or by going further but through the easiest decisions, retarding, throwing our souls back by thousands of incarnations. But I have come close to the end now, it’s the question will I make it or will I not. My life has become too painful and I keep asking myself, what I am doing to get out of where I am, what am I doing with my life. It took me long to realize that it’s love that distinguishes man from stones, trees, rain, and that we can lose our love and that love grows through loving. Yes, I’ve been so completely lost, so truly lost. There were times I wanted to change the world, I wanted to take a gun and shoot my way through the Western Civilization. Now I want to leave others alone, they have their terrible fates to go. Now I want to shoot my own way through myself, into the thick night of myself. Thus I change my course, going inwards. Thus I am jumping into my own darkness. There must be something, somehow, I feel, very soon, something that should give me some sign to move one or another direction. I must be very open and watchful now, completely open. I know it’s coming. I am walking like a somnambulist waiting for a secret signal, ready to go one or another way, listening into this huge white silence for the weakest sign or call. And I sit here alone and far from you. And it’s night and I’m reflecting on everything all around me, and I am thinking of you. I saw it in your eyes, in your love, you too are swinging towards the depths of your own being in longer and longer circles. I saw happiness and pain in your eyes and reflections of the Paradises lost and regained and lost again, that terrible loneliness and happiness. Yes, and I reflect upon this and I think about you, like two lonely space pilots in outer cold space, as I sit here this late night alone and I think about all this.

INTO JAPANESE

痛みは今までよりも強いです。失われた楽園のビットを見てきたし、私は、私試みることでしょう絶望的に戻るには、それが痛い場合でも知っています。私は無の領域にスイングが深く、さらに本当は捨てられて戻って自分自身にたびに私の下より多くの恐ろしい深さ非常にされて私は眩暈がするようになるまで。 簡単な一見があります。

BACK INTO ENGLISH

The pain is stronger than ever. 'Ve seen a bit of paradise lost, I will be trying my back desperate to know even if it hurts. Swing into area of nothing I really thrown further and back themselves every time cause more under my filter

INTO JAPANESE

痛みは今までよりも強いです。少し見た失楽園、私がしようとする私戻って絶望的なそれが痛い場合でもを知っているします。スイング無の領域に本当にスローされます私さらにバック自体たびに多くを引き起こす私のフィルターの下に

BACK INTO ENGLISH

The pain is stronger than ever. Desperate it hurts, my paradise looked a little lost, I tried to go back but know the. Area of the swing without really throws me further back upon itself under the filter causes a lot every time I

INTO JAPANESE

痛みは今までよりも強いです。絶望的な痛い、私の楽園を見た少し失われた、戻るけどしようとします。なくスイングの本当に私がスローされますフィルター原因は毎回の下でそれ自身にさらに戻って私

BACK INTO ENGLISH

The pain is stronger than ever. A little saw the desperate pain, my paradise lost, go back but try. Without filter due to swing really throws me is under every time back on itself in addition to my

INTO JAPANESE

痛みは今までよりも強いです。少し絶望的な痛み、私パラダイス ・ ロストを見た、戻るが、みてください。フィルターなしのためスイングには、本当に私をスローに加え自体に戻るたびに下にある私

BACK INTO ENGLISH

The pain is stronger than ever. The pain a little bit desperate, I saw paradise lost, go back and try. Located under the filter for swing, really I made to throw back to itself every time I

INTO JAPANESE

痛みは今までよりも強いです。失楽園を見た少し必死の痛み、戻ってやり直してください。スイングのフィルターの下にある、本当に作ったスロー バック自体にたびに私に

BACK INTO ENGLISH

Pain is stronger than before. A little desperate pain, seeing paradise paradise, please go back and start over. Every time I really made the slow back itself under the swing filter

INTO JAPANESE

痛みは以前よりも強くなります。少し悲惨な痛み、パラダイスの楽園を見て、戻ってやり直してください。スイング・フィルターの下でスロー・バックを作りました

BACK INTO ENGLISH

The pain will be stronger than before. A little miserable pain, see the paradise paradise, please go back and start over. I made a slow back under the swing filter

INTO JAPANESE

以前より痛みが強くなります。少し悲惨な痛み、パラダイスの楽園を見て、戻ってやり直してください。私はスイングフィルターの下でゆっくりと戻った

BACK INTO ENGLISH

Pain becomes stronger than before. A little miserable pain, see the paradise paradise, please go back and start over. I slowly returned under the swing filter

INTO JAPANESE

痛みは以前よりも強くなります。少し悲惨な痛み、パラダイスの楽園を見て、戻ってやり直してください。スイングフィルターの下でゆっくりと戻った

BACK INTO ENGLISH

The pain will be stronger than before. A little miserable pain, see the paradise paradise, please go back and start over. I got back slowly under the swing filter

INTO JAPANESE

以前より痛みが強くなります。少し悲惨な痛み、パラダイスの楽園を見て、戻ってやり直してください。私はスイングフィルターの下でゆっくりと戻った

BACK INTO ENGLISH

Pain becomes stronger than before. A little miserable pain, see the paradise paradise, please go back and start over. I slowly returned under the swing filter

INTO JAPANESE

痛みは以前よりも強くなります。少し悲惨な痛み、パラダイスの楽園を見て、戻ってやり直してください。スイングフィルターの下でゆっくりと戻った

BACK INTO ENGLISH

The pain will be stronger than before. A little miserable pain, see the paradise paradise, please go back and start over. I got back slowly under the swing filter