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Brutal Goblin A Screenplay by erg INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - AFTERNOON Splendid gardener DCI MATTHEW DOOP is arguing with thoughtful police officer PROF DARTH BUTTERSCOTCH. MATTHEW tries to hug DARTH but he shakes him off. MATTHEW Please Darth, don't leave me. DARTH I'm sorry Matthew, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away. MATTHEW I am such a person! DARTH frowns. DARTH I'm sorry, Matthew. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore. DARTH leaves. MATTHEW sits down, looking defeated. Moments later, energetic psychiatrist PROF GARTH OLSSON barges in looking flustered. MATTHEW Goodness, Garth! Is everything okay? GARTH I'm afraid not. MATTHEW What is it? Don't keep me in suspense... GARTH It's ... a goblin ... I saw an evil goblin rob a bunch of babies! MATTHEW Defenseless babies? GARTH Yes, defenseless babies! MATTHEW Bloomin' heck, Garth! We've got to do something. GARTH I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start. MATTHEW You can start by telling me where this happened. GARTH I was... GARTH fans himself and begins to wheeze. MATTHEW Focus Garth, focus! Where did it happen? GARTH a library! That's right - a library! MATTHEW springs up and begins to run. EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS MATTHEW rushes along the street, followed by GARTH. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way. EXT. A LIBRARY - SHORTLY AFTER MATT DOOP a brutal goblin terrorises two babies. MATTHEW, closely followed by GARTH, rushes towards MATT, but suddenly stops in his tracks. GARTH What is is? What's the matter? MATTHEW That's not just any old goblin, that's Matt Doop! GARTH Who's Matt Doop? MATTHEW Who's Matt Doop? Who's Matt Doop? Only the most brutal goblin in the universe! GARTH Blinkin' knickers, Matthew! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most brutal goblin in the universe! MATTHEW You can say that again. GARTH Blinkin' knickers, Matthew! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most brutal goblin in the universe! MATTHEW I'm going to need spoons, lots of spoons. Matt turns and sees Matthew and Garth. He grins an evil grin. MATT Matthew Doop, we meet again. GARTH You've met? MATTHEW Yes. It was a long, long time ago... EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME A young MATTHEW is sitting in a park listening to some classical music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him. He looks up and sees MATT. He takes off his headphones. MATT Would you like some barley sugar? MATTHEW's eyes light up, but then he studies MATT more closely, and looks uneasy. MATTHEW I don't know, you look kind of brutal. MATT Me? No. I'm not brutal. I'm the least brutal goblin in the world. MATTHEW Wait, you're a goblin? MATTHEW runs away, screaming. EXT. A LIBRARY - PRESENT DAY MATT You were a coward then, and you are a coward now. GARTH (To MATTHEW) You ran away? MATTHEW (To GARTH) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do? MATTHEW turns to MATT. MATTHEW I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time! MATTHEW runs away. He turns back and shouts. MATTHEW I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with spoons. MATT I'm not scared of you. MATTHEW You should be. EXT. ST MICHAEL'S MOUNT, CORNWALL - LATER THAT DAY MATTHEW and GARTH walk around searching for something. MATTHEW I feel sure I left my spoons somewhere around here. GARTH Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly spoons. MATTHEW You know nothing Garth Olsson. GARTH We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here. Suddenly, MATT appears, holding a pair of spoons. MATT Looking for something? GARTH Crikey, Matthew, he's got your spoons. MATTHEW Tell me something I don't already know! GARTH The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km. MATTHEW I know that already! GARTH I pick my nose and eat it. MATT (appalled) Dude! While MATT is looking at GARTH with disgust, MATTHEW lunges forward and grabs his deadly spoons. He wields them, triumphantly. MATTHEW Prepare to die, you brutal turnip! MATT No please! All I did was rob a bunch of babies! DARTH enters, unseen by any of the others. MATTHEW I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those babies were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Matthew Doop defender of innocent babies. MATT Don't hurt me! Please! MATTHEW Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these spoons on you right away! MATT Because Matthew, I am your father. MATTHEW looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself. MATTHEW No you're not! MATT Ah well, it had to be worth a try. MATT tries to grab the spoons but MATTHEW dodges out of the way. MATTHEW Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh? Unexpectedly, MATT slumps to the ground. GARTH Did he just faint? MATTHEW I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly spoons. MATTHEW crouches over MATT's body. GARTH Be careful, Matthew. It could be a trick. MATTHEW No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Matt Doop is dead! MATTHEW What? MATTHEW Yes, it appears that I scared him to death. GARTH claps his hands. GARTH So your spoons did save the day, after all. DARTH steps forward. DARTH Is it true? Did you kill the brutal goblin? MATTHEW Darth how long have you been...? DARTH puts his arm around MATTHEW. DARTH Long enough. MATTHEW Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Matt Doop. DARTH Then the babies are safe? MATTHEW It does seem that way! A crowd of vulnerable babies enter, looking relived. DARTH You are their hero. The babies bow to MATTHEW. MATTHEW There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Matt Doop will never rob babies ever again, is enough for me. DARTH You are humble as well as brave! One of the babies passes MATTHEW a magic bell DARTH I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude. MATTHEW I couldn't possibly. Pause. MATTHEW Well, if you insist. MATTHEW takes the bell. MATTHEW Thank you. The babies bow their heads once more, and leave. MATTHEW turns to DARTH. MATTHEW Does this mean you want me back? DARTH Oh, Matthew, of course I want you back! MATTHEW smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant. MATTHEW Well you can't have me. DARTH WHAT? MATTHEW You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a goblin to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that. DARTH But... MATTHEW Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Garth. GARTH grins. DARTH But... GARTH You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo! DARTH Matthew? MATTHEW I'm sorry Darth, but I think you should skidaddle. DARTH leaves. GARTH turns to MATTHEW. GARTH Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend? MATTHEW Of course you are! The two walk off arm in arm. Suddenly GARTH stops. GARTH When I said I pick my nose and eat it, you know I was just trying to distract the goblin don't you?

INTO JAPANESE

残忍なゴブリン脚本編国立歴史博物館、ロンドン - 午後素晴らしい庭師DCI MATTHEW DOOPは、思慮深い警察官PROF DARTH BUTTERSCOTCHと議論しています。 MATTHEWはDARTHを抱擁しようとしますが、彼は彼を振り払います。 MATTHEWダースしてください、私を離れないでください。 DARTH申し訳ありませんが、Matthewですが、もう少し勇敢な人を探しています。ソム

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Brutal Goblin Screenplay National History Museum, London - Afternoon Awesome gardener DCI MATTHEW DOOP is discussing with a thoughtful police officer PROF DARTH BUTTERSCOTCH. MATTHEW tries to embrace DARTH, but he shakes off him. MATTHEW Do a dozen, please do not leave me. D

INTO JAPANESE

残忍なゴブリン脚本、ロンドンの国立歴史博物館 - 午後 - 素晴らしい庭師DCI MATTHEW DOOPは思慮深い警官と話し合っています。 MATTHEWはDARTHを受け入れようとしますが、彼は彼を振り払います。 MATTHEWダースをやりなさい、私を残してはいけない。 D

BACK INTO ENGLISH

Brutal goblin screenwriter, London's National History Museum - afternoon - a wonderful gardener DCI MATTHEW DOOP is talking with a thoughtful cop. MATTHEW tries to accept DARTH, but he shakes off him. MATTHEW do a dozen, do not leave me. D

INTO JAPANESE

残忍なゴブリンの脚本家、ロンドンの国立歴史博物館 - 午後 - 素晴らしい庭師DCI MATTHEW DOOPは思慮深い警官と話しています。 MATTHEWはDARTHを受け入れようとしますが、彼は彼を振り払います。 MATTHEWダースやって、私を残してはいけない。 D

BACK INTO ENGLISH

Brutal goblin writer, London's National History Museum - afternoon - a wonderful gardener DCI MATTHEW DOOP is talking with a thoughtful cop. MATTHEW tries to accept DARTH, but he shakes off him. MATTHEW Doing a dozen, do not leave me. D

INTO JAPANESE

残忍なゴブリン作家、ロンドンの国立歴史博物館 - 午後 - 素晴らしい庭師DCI MATTHEW DOOPは思慮深い警官と話しています。 MATTHEWはDARTHを受け入れようとしますが、彼は彼を振り払います。 MATTHEWダースをやって、私を残してはいけません。 D

BACK INTO ENGLISH

Brutal Goblin writer, London's National History Museum - Afternoon - a wonderful gardener DCI MATTHEW DOOP is talking with a thoughtful cop. MATTHEW tries to accept DARTH, but he shakes off him. Do MATTHEW dozen and do not leave me. D

INTO JAPANESE

残忍なゴブリン作家、ロンドンの国立歴史博物館 - 午後 - 素晴らしい庭師DCI MATTHEW DOOPは思慮深い警官と話しています。 MATTHEWはDARTHを受け入れようとしますが、彼は彼を振り払います。 MATTHEWをダースにして、私を離れないでください。 D

BACK INTO ENGLISH

Brutal Goblin writer, London's National History Museum - Afternoon - a wonderful gardener DCI MATTHEW DOOP is talking with a thoughtful cop. MATTHEW tries to accept DARTH, but he shakes off him. Do not leave me, making MATTHEW a dozen. D

INTO JAPANESE

残忍なゴブリン作家、ロンドンの国立歴史博物館 - 午後 - 素晴らしい庭師DCI MATTHEW DOOPは思慮深い警官と話しています。 MATTHEWはDARTHを受け入れようとしますが、彼は彼を振り払います。 MATTHEWを1ダースにして、私を離れないでください。 D

BACK INTO ENGLISH

Brutal Goblin writer, London's National History Museum - Afternoon - a wonderful gardener DCI MATTHEW DOOP is talking with a thoughtful cop. MATTHEW tries to accept DARTH, but he shakes off him. Please do not leave me with a dozen of MATTHEW. D

INTO JAPANESE

残忍なゴブリン作家、ロンドンの国立歴史博物館 - 午後 - 素晴らしい庭師DCI MATTHEW DOOPは思慮深い警官と話しています。 MATTHEWはDARTHを受け入れようとしますが、彼は彼を振り払います。私にダースのMATTHEWを置いたままにしないでください。 D

BACK INTO ENGLISH

Brutal Goblin writer, London's National History Museum - Afternoon - a wonderful gardener DCI MATTHEW DOOP is talking with a thoughtful cop. MATTHEW tries to accept DARTH, but he shakes off him. Please do not leave me a dozen Matthew. D

INTO JAPANESE

残忍なゴブリン作家、ロンドンの国立歴史博物館 - 午後 - 素晴らしい庭師DCI MATTHEW DOOPは思慮深い警官と話しています。 MATTHEWはDARTHを受け入れようとしますが、彼は彼を振り払います。私にダースのマシューを残してはいけません。 D

BACK INTO ENGLISH

Brutal Goblin writer, London's National History Museum - Afternoon - a wonderful gardener DCI MATTHEW DOOP is talking with a thoughtful cop. MATTHEW tries to accept DARTH, but he shakes off him. Do not leave me a dozen Matthew. D

INTO JAPANESE

残忍なゴブリン作家、ロンドンの国立歴史博物館 - 午後 - 素晴らしい庭師DCI MATTHEW DOOPは思慮深い警官と話しています。 MATTHEWはDARTHを受け入れようとしますが、彼は彼を振り払います。私にダースのマシューを残してはいけません。 D

BACK INTO ENGLISH

Brutal Goblin writer, London's National History Museum - Afternoon - a wonderful gardener DCI MATTHEW DOOP is talking with a thoughtful cop. MATTHEW tries to accept DARTH, but he shakes off him. Do not leave me a dozen Matthew. D